Ex-Starbucks CEO considering handing election to Trump and spending rest of life as a pariah

Ex-Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz has announced that he is seriously considering splitting the vote in 2020 and handing the election to Donald Trump.

“Obviously, I don’t believe I will garner votes from the people who I made weep with my tasteless Starbucks holiday cups,” said Schultz. “I thoroughly plan to invest much of my vast fortune into splitting the vote in opposition to Trump in order to fulfill my boyhood dream of dying a pariah. I know I could take that money and put it towards something good and have a legacy I wouldn’t die regretting, but this is what I want. Okay?”

Schultz said he plans to tap into the campaign prowess and institutional knowledge of Starbucks’ employee of the month Barack Obama.

At press time, Trump was exhibiting masterful manipulation by telling Schultz he didn’t have the guts to run. Seriously.

Follow Stubhill News on Twitter and Facebook for all the latest news.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s