Ex-Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz has announced that he is seriously considering splitting the vote in 2020 and handing the election to Donald Trump.
“Obviously, I don’t believe I will garner votes from the people who I made weep with my tasteless Starbucks holiday cups,” said Schultz. “I thoroughly plan to invest much of my vast fortune into splitting the vote in opposition to Trump in order to fulfill my boyhood dream of dying a pariah. I know I could take that money and put it towards something good and have a legacy I wouldn’t die regretting, but this is what I want. Okay?”
Schultz said he plans to tap into the campaign prowess and institutional knowledge of Starbucks’ employee of the month Barack Obama.
At press time, Trump was exhibiting masterful manipulation by telling Schultz he didn’t have the guts to run. Seriously.