“This is what I get for trying to do something nice,” laments the bumble bomber.

Donald Trump announced today via Twitter that he has purchased $584 million dollars worth of lottery tickets. The strategy of obtaining every possible number combination ensures that the former comedian and current acting president will win the record $1.6 billion Mega Millions jackpot. “That’s nearly a 200 percent return on my investment in one day,” tweeted Trump. “#Wow…

“Any dismemberment of a journalist at a Saudi Arabian consulate is merely a coincidence.”

Bill Cosby receives presidential pardon.

Lightweight sissy hospitalized following Supreme Court hazing.