ISIS targeting Pokémon Go gyms

ISIS pokemon

WASHINGTON, DC—The Pentagon issued a report warning that ISIS is targeting Pokemon Go Gyms.

A travel advisory was issued for gamers to “avoid all Pokémon gyms regardless of team affiliation.”

ISIS has taken a deep liking to this game, and will control their in-game territory in the real world by any means necessary,” according to the report.

The Pentagon issued the report after an ISIS video surfaced claiming that anyone who takes their gym will suffer the “extreme vengeance of the Islamic State.”

Former presumptive Republican presidential nominee and comedian Donald Trump addressed the issue at his most recent rally.

ISIS will not take the Gym at Trump tower!” Trump furiously shouted. “I have billions of dollars, people. Billions. I can buy as many Pokecoins as I want. As president I will make sure you all have the best Pokemon at your gyms.”

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Reagan hologram steals show at last night of the RNC

Disaster struck the Republican National Convention last night after tears released by attendees created flood conditions within the arena.

The flood began shortly after a holographic representation of former Republican president Ronald Reagan gave the opening speech for the night.

Former presumptive Republican presidential nominee and comedian Donald Trump took charge of the situation by loudly proclaiming that he intended to “build a big, beautiful boat.”

Officials surveying the damage estimate that tens of thousands of Sperrys were likely lost in the flood.

Police are currently seeking Holoreagan for questioning.

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Trump fails to secure coveted Zodiac endorsement

CruzOdiac Site

Ted Cruz, the Zodiac Killer, refused to give an official endorsement of former presumptive Republican presidential nominee and comedian Donald Trump during a speech at the Republican National Convention.

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‘Blue Lives Matter’ protests death of Skeeter Valentine

skeeterBLUFFINGTON—Blue Lives Matter protesters are growing in numbers after Skeeter Valentine was shot and killed by Bluffington Police Department earlier this week.

Witnesses to the incident claim Valentine was unarmed, but the BPD claim he threatened their lives.

Eyewitness Doug Funnie claims Valentine was just playing air guitar when police responding to a report arrived and shot Valentine.

The death of Valentine has prompted national debate and caught the attention of Blue Lives Matter National President Papa Smurf.

Papa Smurf, the outspoken activist responsible for the controversial rap anthem “smurf the police,” sat down with Stubhill News in an exclusive interview.

“This is a smurfing outrage!” bellowed Smurf. “I lost my smurf when I heard about Skeeter. Just an innocent blue boy causing no trouble before getting smurfed down by the police. I mean seriously – what the smurfing fuck!”

The Blue Lives Matter president of the Sesame Street chapter, Cookie Monster, recently held a press conference,
“The death of Skeeter Valentine saddens Cookie Monster. But we must be strong! We hold vigil here at Sesame Street, with performance by blue jazz musician Squidward Tentacles and Skeeter’s favorite band, The Beets. There will also be COOKIES!”

At their most recent concert, Eiffel 65 held a moment of silence for Skeeter before dedicating a performance of their seminal class “Blue” to him.

Blue is a song that is close to my heart. I have a blue girlfriend and I know the struggles she goes through on a regular basis,” said Eiffel 65 frontman Jeffrey Jay. “The lyrics ‘And everything is blue for him and himself and everybody around ’cause he ain’t got nobody to listen’ are even more socially significant now than when I wrote them. I hope that one day Skeeter Valentine has someone to listen to his injustice.”

Stubhill News reached out to the Blue Man Group for comment, but have received no response.

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Earnest debate reform petition expects to be signed as if contains a clever pop culture reference

debate

John Donvan, a longtime correspondent for ABC News, is the moderator of the Intelligence Squared debates; Robert Rosenkranz, a highly successful business executive, is the organization’s chairman.

The two have launched a Change.org petition urging the Clinton and Trump campaigns, along with the Commission on Presidential Debates — the organization that oversees the general-election debates — to adopt the Oxford-style debate format used by Intelligence Squared.

Rumor has it that one can get a Mewtwo by signing the petition.

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