Unobtainium discovered in Boston water

unovtainiumBOSTON—A survey conducted by the Water Country Science Division has made an alarming announcement in relation to the Greater Boston area’s water supply.

According to a mineral analysis, trace amounts of unobtainium have been detected.

“This is wicked scary,” said Mayor Marty Walsh. “We’ll just advise everyone to boil theya watah or drink beeyah instead.”

A translator was not present and Stubhill cannot confirm what was actually said.

“You won’t see this on CNN,” said unobtainium expert Jiminy Cameron. “The mainstream media does not care for the people of Boston and their water supply. It’s tragic that only smaller independent media outlets such as Stubhill are the only ones reporting this.”

While the FDA has yet to determined if unobtainium is safe for consumption, Cameron stresses that there is reason to fear this new finding.

Cameron advises all indigenous Bostonians to begin preparation for a resource war, as the element is highly sought after.

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Olympics end with ritual sacrifice of losing athletes


Yet another Olympics has come to an end with athletes sacrificed on the alter of athletic perfection.

Every four years athletes struggle to obtain medals in order to court favor with the gods and permit their existence another four years.

The fallen athletes serve as a reminder and motivation to current and future Olympic champions to dig deep and give it their all.

While some find this practice antiquated, and continue to pressure the Olympics committee to provide all contestants with participation medals, others find this traditional act a refreshing reminder of a better time when losers weren’t coddled and comforted in the wake of failure.

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ISIS endorses Donald Trump


In a political shocker, ISIS has endorsed the GOP presidential bid of former comedian Donald Trump.

The move is seen as a snub to the presidential campaign of Hillary Clinton, who many people are saying helped found ISIS alongside current President Barack Obama.

In explaining their decision, ISIS cited the reasons behind their sudden support for Trump; such as a shared medieval interpretation of Islam and the desire to destabilize and inflict maximum harm upon western society.

ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi made a rare appearance in a YouTube video to make the endorsement.

“He speaks his mind, and we really appreciate that,” said al-Baghdadi. “It really goes a long way to have a figurehead of one of the two major U.S. parties working so diligently to alienate the members of the population we wish to radicalize. With Obama and Clinton it’s like pulling teeth. We just can’t get them to do us the decency of legitimizing our message by calling us Islamic extremists!”

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U.S. water polo team disqualified for splashing


rio A hard fought battle between the US and Spanish Olympic water polo teams was cut short by disqualification this afternoon.

The US was forced to forfeit after having too many players ejected for splashing the opposing team.

“Splashing is a really serious offense—it hurts the other team’s feelings and is super mean,” said Stubhill sports correspondent Chuckie Finster. “It is a red card offense, and during this match the USA splashed too much and the game needed to stop because the Spanish players were crying, which altered the carefully-measured volume of water in the pool.”

After repeat offenses, the US had too many players ejected due to repeated splashing violations and were forced into time out for the duration of the game, resulting in a forfeit.

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Trump’s favorability up on news of demonic possession


Former presumptive Republican presidential nominee and comedian Donald Trump’s polling performance among likely voters has taken surprising upswing.

The poll response comes on the heels of Trump unveiling a surprisingly softer tone at a rally yesterday.

“Don’t worry about race or religion, you’re all doomed and will cave to my power,” said Trump in blend of several voices. “To me you are but flesh, equally weak and in need of my intervention. There is no Donald, there is only Baal.”

Trump went on to completely abandon his harsh immigration stances.

“Building a wall and banning Muslim entry would mean less soldiers for my dark army,” said Trump. “We need to support our troops by bringing in more!”

According to political analyst and occult expert Rupert Giles, Trump was displaying classical signs of demonic possession.

“If confirmed, this would be the first candidate to suffer from demonic possession since Goldwater,” said Pope Barry Manilow II, a demonic possession hobbyist.

Even some of the more Christian conservatives were more accepting of the Baal-possessed Trump.

Baal Trump even received an endorsement from formal rival Ted Cruz.

“Hillary is pretty damn evil, and so was Trump,” said the Zodiac Killer. “But I think we can all agree that there is nothing on Baal’s public record that shows it is more evil than Hillary or Trump. I’m willing to hitch my wagon and see where this ride takes us.”

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