Clinton awarded Medal of Honor for fighting against ISIS her entire, adult life

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President Barack Obama has awarded the Medal of Honor to Hillary Clinton after Donald Trump revealed that the former Secretary of State had been fighting against ISIS for her entire, adult life.

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Clinton dominates Trump in armwrestling portion of debate

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Trump vows to set murder rate back 25 years

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Source: VOX / FBI Uniform Crime Reports

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Nation’s voters wayyy too drunk for first debate

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NEW YORK—According to expert analysis, alcohol consumption among voters reached a record high for the first scheduled presidential debate.

Although frustrated voters turning to the bottle during debate season is a time-honored tradition in U.S. politics, it isn’t usually until later that voters report being this sloshed.

“This is beyond what we could have ever calculated. We don’t normally see this until at least the third debate during a heated election,” said electoral drinking expert Uncle Bob. “Current alcohol consumption rivals that of Superbowl Sunday – our projections show people might die from alcohol poisoning within the next few debates, certainly there will be casualties on election day.”

Resident existentialist Jean-Paul S’tire reports that measured despair levels are far beyond that of a healthy election cycle, currently exceeding the average rate of 4 metric sigh units.

“We are measuring an astonishing 7 sigh units as more and more people are seeing the debate and realizing there is no God,” said S’tire. “If this continues, we may very well break the sigh barrier, not that it really matters.”

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Trump secures coveted Zodiac endorsement

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Ted Cruz, the Zodiac Killer, has finally decided to give his official endorsement of former presumptive Republican presidential nominee and comedian Donald Trump earlier today on Facebook.

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