Rick Santorum assaults allegedly gay Muslims to increase poll numbers

santorum site

Low-polling Republican presidential candidate Rick Santorum assaulted two Muslim men this afternoon in an attempt to increase his polling performance.

A badly-bruised but upbeat Santorum announced the incident during a press conference.

Political analysts say it is a bold move which will undoubtedly boost his performance going into the primaries, but it may be too little too late, especially after Donald Trump recently shot somebody.

An independent report that the assaulted men were merely friends and actually Sikhs conflict with Santorum’s assertion that the men were a homosexual Muslim couple.

Santorum offered a heated response when pressed on the nature of his victims’ relationship.

“I’m personally insulted that people would stoops so low as to fabricate a story about me assaulting non-homosexuals,” said Santorum.

The strategy of assaulting feared minorities has worked in the past.

Franklin D. Roosevelt would routinely line up and run over Japanese people in his wheelchair to boost public support during his third term.

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