BREAKING NEWS: Donald J. Trump arrested for insider sports betting

bifftrump

NEW YORK—A police raid on Trump Tower this afternoon revealed a shocking discovery that could have heavy implications on the 2016 election as well as the space-time continuum.

The raid resulted in the arrest of  former presumptive republican presidential nominee and comedian Donald J. Trump

The arrest hinges on a sports almanac, damning evidence to the Republican nominee.

Authorities found an unusually worn copy of a sports almanac which was just recently printed and which has markings cataloging winning bets Trump has placed since the late 80’s.

Current charges against Trump are for match fixing, racketeering, money laundering, and vandalism of the space-time continuum.

FBI TimeCrime special agent Barry Manilow has been working this case for over a year.

We first arrested Michael J. Fox for his involvement a year ago today,” said Manilow. “He and another informant have since cooperated, leading to the arrest of Mr. Trump, which we believe may have been an alias, we are still working to connect all the dots of this vast conspiracy.”

Manilow went on to explain that Fox and Trump sharing the middle initial “J” was no coincidence, and that it was really short for “jumper,” a reference to the fact that both men are “time jumpers.”

Dr. Emmett Brown, a physicist and whistle-blower who has been in custody since the 80s, has been released as a result of his cooperation leading to the arrest.

Brown was originally detained as a result of buying plutonium from Libyan terrorists.

“It is believed that the current 2016 is actually an alternate timeline that split at some prior moment in the past,” tweeted Neil Degrasse Tyson. “We believe Trump has disrupted our reality and we are living in a severe dystopia brought by his reckless greed. Hopefully with the help of Dr. Emmett Brown we can fix this mess. It is likely Brown and Michael J Fox will have a series of wacky adventures in order to resolve the situation and bring us a world of prosperity, too many Jaws films, and actual hoverboards.”

In other news, Back the Future IV has been announced.
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