BREAKING: Trump ends presidential campaign

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Gage Skidmore/flickr

WASHINGTON D.C.—On the heels of weeks of unending bad press, former presumptive republican presidential nominee and comedian Donald J. Trump has officially ended his bid to become U.S. president.

The shocking announcement came during a press conference held at the capital Denny’s.

Trump spent much of the event distancing himself from his last six years of public statements, which he dismissed as “locker room talk.”

“I don’t know how anybody took this serious,” said Trump. “Just because I said I was running for president doesn’t mean I meant it. It’s Just Words, Folks, Just Words”

Trump went on to stress that he wasn’t quitting because he had never really ran for president.

“Most importantly, this means I did not lose to a woman,” added Trump before slicing daintily into a stack of flapjacks.

Republican leadership is currently struggling to find an equally deplorable but less creepy replacement.

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