NFL announces plans for safe-spaces


In light of recent trauma, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell is requesting government funding to research creating safe spaces at future NFL events.

“This is America’s favorite sport, and as such we have a civic duty to protect our viewers from thoughts and messages they find offensive,” said Goodell. “We may not yet be able to make our players stand during the National Anthem, but there are things we can do to protect viewers from having to see someone who refuses to behave patriotically correct.”

The announcement is the result of San Francisco 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick protesting via refusal to stand during the National Anthem, without any concern for anyone else’s feelings.

Goodell said the NFL has already taken steps by removing chairs from events in order to make sitting less comfortable, along with providing broadcasters with older film of Kaepernick standing for the anthem, but added that new technology would be needed if they were ever going to get Kaepernick to place his hand over his heart like a good American.

“I’m thinking some kind of magnetic chest plate and metallic glove combo that can draw his hand to his chest against his will,” said Goodell.

Dr. Rebecca Jingoist, an esteemed psychologist for West Point’s Center for Complaint Patriotism said these measures are a good start, but will do nothing to remedy the thousands that can regularly been seen not standing in the stadiums.

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