NEW YORK—Verizon has announced that it is going on strike against its workers in response to “difficult working conditions.”
“We cannot afford to keep living like this,” said Verizon CEO Jonathan Galt. “The cost of doing business is getting too high, eventually it might even become a challenge to sustain our lavishly livable wages.”
Among the laundry list of complaints, Verizon noted the increasing cost of healthcare and benefits, wages increasing at an alarming rate, and too much money being spent on Dixie Cups at the water cooler.
“If these conditions continue, I may no longer be able to afford my vacation homes or trophy wife,” pleaded Galt.
In a candid moment, an emotionally-exposed Galt expressed fears that cost cutting might lead to his replacement by a younger, less qualified CEO that is willing to work for less money.
Galt allayed concerns that a company strike by Verizon might impact customer service.
“Let’s be reasonable now,” said Galt. “We’re just going to cease functioning entirely, it’s not like we will be actively engaging in practices to frustrate consumers. We’re not Comcast.”