WASHINGTON, DC—Acting President Donald Trump has escalated his war against leaks by filing a lawsuit against Depend.
According to a document released to the press, the adult diaper maker is guilty of “failing to prevent leaks.”
“The plaintiff wears the product every day and numerous times there have been high profile leaks,” the document reads.
The lawsuit seeks a payout of 3 million rubles for “deformation of character, misleading marketing, and being an overall loser.”
When asked about the lawsuit at the daily press briefing, Press Secretary Sean Spicer insisted that it was a personal matter which the president was very self-conscious about and that it was best to leave out of the press.
Upon further questioning, in a rare moment of candor, Spicer requested that the press end his suffering.
“Just make it stop,” said Spicer. “Please. Please kill me.”