The GOP-backed health care bill in the senate has been revised to give U.S. citizens a box of Band-Aid brand adhesive bandages and a lightly-used VHS copy of Patch Adams.
President Donald Trump praised the additions to the health care bill and reportedly lobbied heavily to make the copy of Patch Adams VHS rather than digital.
“These Senators come to me, they say it was going to be a ‘digital download,’ and I say ‘no it’s not, it’s going to be goddamned VHS,” said Trump. “Digital. They have digital. What is digital? And it’s very complicated, you have to be Albert Einstein to figure it out.”
Trump boasted that the decision to rely on lightly-used VHS copies made it possible to afford Band-Aid brand adhesive strips rather than generic adhesive strips.
“Have you seen these things,” Trump asked. “These bandaged have ‘Quiltvent’ technology. It’s truly amazing! It creates air channels for superior breathability. Wicks away blood to keep wounds clean. Big league!”