AFGHANISTAN—This week the U.S. military dropped the Mother of all Bombs, known by its technical name of GIGLI on an ISIS stronghold.
This is the first time in US military history that GIGLI was used in combat.
“This was a serious consideration to use something of this magnitude from our arsenal, but we believe it was the appropriate course of action,” Col. Sanders announced during a press conference. “These terrorists will understand the true power of American military force when they see just how terrible a movie we can produce.”
GIGLI was a source of grave controversy when it was tested on American soil in 2003.
Activists around the US and the world have decried its use in combat as a war crime.
“This is only going give more recruitment incentives for ISIS,” said Matt Damon, one of the victims of the 2003 GIGLI experiment. “This is such a piece of garbage movie that it can turn even the level-minded person into a radical extremist. The first time I saw it I almost murdered my best friend. The use of this on any level for any purpose is an abomination.”
At press time, comfortable U.S. citizens were making jokes about a massive detonation that could have very well crushed or buried alive innocent children. But who cares. Government intelligence is usually pretty good, and it’s not like it was a chemical weapon.