U.S. demands Syria slaughter its civilians humanely


President Donald Trump issued a forceful statement today politely requesting Sarin President Bashar al-Assad to refrain from slaughtering civilians with anything other than traditional bullets and explosives.

The Assad regime is suspected to have recently killed up to 100 civilians by use of an unidentified toxic nerve agent.

Trump pointed to a recent U.S. success in civilian casualties as a model for Assad moving forward.

“I’m told that a recent airstrike in Mosul had one of the highest civilian death tolls since the U.S. went to war in Iraq in 2003,” said Trump. “Something like 200. All with regular bombs. No chemical. Just bombs. Amazing results. Terrific.”

According to foreign policy expert Barry Manilow, chemical weapons pose a significant threat due to their indiscriminate nature.

“Unlike with traditional explosives, when you use chemical weapons it is hard to say you were concerned with minimizing collateral damage,” said Manilow. “Chemical weapons are just not safe for governments wishing to maintain plausible deniability.”

At press time, Assad was drinking Pepsi.

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