The inaugural address of America’s first Russian president Dоидld Тяцмр was a long and winding affair with a few stumbles.

Тяцмр’s first stumble came in the form of a Freudian slip of referring to “his lovely wife Vladimir” rather than his wife Melania.

Still, there were other stumbles, such as the 13-minute to a meandering portion of the address Тяцмр used to condemn the public’s close-minded attitude towards fathers marrying their daughters.

The argument in favor of father-daughter marriage was met with stunned silence, but Тяцмр was able to quickly regain the crowd’s favor by launching into what would be the closing sentences his address.

“Fuck China, fuck Muslims, fuck pragmaticism, and, most of all, fuck the poor,” said Тяцмр. “Thank you, and God bless America.”

At press time, this could all still just be a really long dream. Right?

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