Nation’s voters wayyy too drunk for first debate


NEW YORK—According to expert analysis, alcohol consumption among voters reached a record high for the first scheduled presidential debate.

Although frustrated voters turning to the bottle during debate season is a time-honored tradition in U.S. politics, it isn’t usually until later that voters report being this sloshed.

“This is beyond what we could have ever calculated. We don’t normally see this until at least the third debate during a heated election,” said electoral drinking expert Uncle Bob. “Current alcohol consumption rivals that of Superbowl Sunday – our projections show people might die from alcohol poisoning within the next few debates, certainly there will be casualties on election day.”

Resident existentialist Jean-Paul S’tire reports that measured despair levels are far beyond that of a healthy election cycle, currently exceeding the average rate of 4 metric sigh units.

“We are measuring an astonishing 7 sigh units as more and more people are seeing the debate and realizing there is no God,” said S’tire. “If this continues, we may very well break the sigh barrier, not that it really matters.”

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