Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders has formally announced the suspension of his 2016 presidential campaign following losses in four of yesterday’s six primary elections.
Sanders began the speech with a loud sigh of relief that he would not have to be part of “an inevitably disappointing presidency.”
“Thank God it’s over,” declared Sanders to gathered supporters. “It was kind of scary for a while there, I mean, it really looked like I might have to disappoint you guys for four or maybe even eight years. I almost flew a bit too close to the sun. I made a lot of crazy promises on the campaign trail, and I’m glad no one had to watch as I failed miserably to fulfill even one-tenth of a quarter of one percent of them.”
Sanders proceeded to comfort his supporters by pointing out that what they had a “good run,” and that they were young and had their whole lives ahead of them and would eventually find someone else to love.