Cruz comparison prompts existential crisis for Lucifer

Lucifr

Republican House Speaker John Boehner’s recent comparisons of GOP presidential candidate Ted Cruz to Lucifer have triggered an existential crisis for Lucifer.

Sources close to Lucifer are claiming that he hasn’t been himself since being compared to the Dark One.

“The last few days have been really hard on Lucy,” said close friend Steve Jobs. “I can’t find anyone who has ever seen him this down.”

According to Jobs, Lucifer retreated to his lava pit shortly after the news broke, where gurgled wailing has been occasional heard since.

“It’s really not fair for Boehner to make that kind of comparison,” said Steve Irwin. “Lucifer is a solid bloke.”

Lucifer’s reputation is unearned according to Hell’s inhabitants.

“Is Hell the best place? Heavens no! But it’s not because of Lucifer,” said Steve Buscemi. “You try hosting the only party on the block when someone keeps pushing every evil person in the realm right through the Goddamned door. For every legitimately bad person here, there are three people who were thrown down here just because their name is ‘Steve.”

God responded to Buscemi’s criticisms at press time by firmly reminding humanity that he “did not create Adam and Steve.”

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