Hillary Clinton suspended for PED use


NEW YORK—After failing a drug test for performance enhancing drugs, Hillary Clinton’s campaign has been suspended for the next three Democratic primaries.

In addition to the suspension, the United States Presidential League has also issued Clinton a $1 million fine which will go towards the US Government’s anti-PED campaign.

“We are sending a clear message that we a zero tolerance policy for using PEDs to gain an unfair advantage in politics,” said USPL Commissioner Barry Manilow.

Political analyst Hunter Thompson said this latest scandal is a reflection of a broader problem in the political arena.

“We find that more and more politicians are taking various drugs that are on the banned substances list,” said Thompson. “Some congressmen use amphetamines or even cocaine to allow themselves the energy to continue on a filibuster. Others are abusing sleep medication to allow themselves to sleep through an entire session.”

The USPL hopes it can contain the problem before it gets out of hand.

“The fear is that the more normal PED use then the more politicians will have to take to achieve a competitive edge,” said Thompson. “These PEDs may help increase stamina, however their ability to make decisions becomes compromised and their behavior can become erratic, aggressive and loathsome.”

Hillary Clinton is highest-ranking Democrat caught so far using PEDs.

The Democratic Party has been aggressively cracking down at use at all levels, while the Republican Party currently has no regulations on PED use and party members are not tested.

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