Hillary Clinton was attacked by a bird on live television this afternoon.
Clinton campaign manager Sheev Palpatine was quick to blame the rival campaign of the late Bernie Sanders for orchestrating the attack.
“We have evidence that proves Sanders was recently associating with a bird in Portland,” said Palpatine. “These attacks will not be tolerated. We already have an army of the nation’s finest bird lawyers working on our best legal options.”
Political analyst and bird watcher John James Audubon III claims that if the Sander’s campaign has actually tapped into the bird constituency, then it could mark the turn of the electoral battle.
“Democrats have long sought avian support, but have been locked out ever since FDR’s infamous 1943 betrayal,” said Audubon. “If Sanders can combine the energy of his young supporters with air supremacy, casualties will easily reach the tens of thousands.”