Potential setback: Bernie Sanders passes away


Bernie Sanders passed away last Friday in what is either a major campaign setback or achievement, depending on who you ask.

The potentially campaign-ending event was recovered from after a pair of wily campaign aides used Sanders’ corpse as a puppet during the weekend’s campaign events.

The Sanders’ campaign is insistent that the death was a success rather than a setback, pointing out that all men must die, and that their candidate’s exhibited mortality only further proves that he is a man of the people.

The campaign went on to assure supporters that the fight for the nomination is far from over, pointing out that Hillary Clinton’s lead is merely the result of super delegates distorting her true level of support among the voting public.

Political analysts say Sanders was already polling well among the dead, and that this latest development is expected to help him solidify that lead.

At press time, Donald Trump took aim at the recently deceased, calling them “a bunch of losers and quitters,” while bragging about how he’s never once died.

Ted Cruz took the opportunity to inform the public that this is why we have a 2nd Amendment, and stressing the importance of aiming for the head while dispatching the undead.

Editor's note: Cruz has been watching a lot of The Walking Dead.

Follow Stubhill News for the latest zombie survival tips.
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