Bernie Sanders passed away earlier today in what is either a major campaign setback or achievement, depending on who you ask.
The potentially campaign-ending event was recovered from after a pair of wily campaign aides used Sanders’ corpse as a flesh marionette.
The Sanders campaign is insistent that the death was a success rather than a setback, pointing out that all men must die, and that their candidate’s exhibited mortality only further proves that he is a man of the people.
The campaign went on to assure supporters that the fight for the nomination is far from over, pointing out that Joe Biden and Mike Bloomberg have both been dead for years.
Political analysts say Sanders was already polling well among the dead, and that this latest development is expected to help him solidify that lead.
In a series of tweets, Donald Trump took aim at the recently deceased, calling them “a bunch of losers and quitters,” while bragging about how he’s never once died.
Ted Cruz took the opportunity to inform the public that this is why we have a 2nd Amendment, and stressing the importance of aiming for the head while dispatching the undead.
“Oh yeah,” Elizabeth Warren exclaimed at press time. “It’s all coming together.”
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