RICHMOND—After more than 1400 man hours working around the clock, the FBI managed to crack a four-digit passcode to unlock the iPhone that once belonged to the terrorists responsible for the San Bernardino shootings.
“We had some of our best minds working on it,” said FBI director Frederick Flinstone. “We had to divide our experts into 12 hour shifts. Any more time spent on this our experts would have suffered severe thumb cramps for like, two days.”
Flinstone said his team would have cracked the code much sooner if it weren’t for the brilliance the terrorist masterminds.
“We followed protocol and worked our way up from 0000,” said Flinstone. “These terrorist bastards must have had inside intelligence because they were using 9999.”
Apple CEO Captain Cook protested the FBI’s method, arguing that that it undermines the privacy of Apple customers.
“The FBI has now proved that after trial and error, even the most well thought-out four-digit passcode can be cracked,” said Cook.
Cook said Apple was looking to implement new security standards as quickly as possible.
According to Cook, the new iOS update to Apple’s mobile devices will increase the passcode number from a mere four digits to a much safer twenty.
“It will only be a matter of time before the FBI can crack these,” said Cook. “But that’s a lot of numbers and will take them a super long time to figure it out.”
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