Alabama Governor Robert Bentley released a statement today blaming the federal government’s defense of same-sex marriage for the failure of his 50-year marriage.
Bentley is currently enveloped in a scandal surrounding an alleged extra-marital affair with his former top political aid.
“The federal government’s actions prompted the devaluation of my holy union which forced me to withdraw my investment while there was still any value left,” said Bentley while strumming the state banjo. “Dadgum Obama!”
Bentley also added that he didn’t see what the big deal was.
“Considering the legal context of my actions and my moral hypocrisy, it is truly a miracle that it wasn’t one of them homosexual affairs,” said a somber Bentley. “Y’all should really be thankin’ me.”