FDA: artificial sweetener linked to obnoxious side effect


New data has The Food and Drug Administration cautioning consumers that consumption of sugar substitutes like aspartame can result in interaction with obnoxious people.

The FDA advises consumers to avoid using sugar substitutes around other people.

According to findings by the FDA, consumption of aspartame was correlated with a heightened risk of interaction with well-meaning, but nevertheless obnoxious people.

Scientists say they have observed a growing and worrisome trend of individuals being “sweetener shamed” for consumption of sugar substitutes despite over three decades of extensive research and mass market exposure failing to prove harmful side effects or create a public health crisis.

Most instances of sweetener shaming start and end with simple irritation by coworkers and family members who take health cues from YouTube, Dr. Oz, and glossing over news headlines.

Rarely does the shaming become violent, but sugar substitute related assaults have been on the rise in recent years.

In one grisly incident, a teenage diabetic was tackled by natural sweetener proponents in a mall food court after being spotted with a Diet Coca-Cola.

The young man’s attackers, a pack of soccer moms, forced him to the ground and funneled all-natural high fructose sweetened Coca-Cola down his throat to chants of “this is what nature intended!”

The FDA officially recommends consumers carry sugar packets in their pockets to use as a diversion if caught in one of these situations.

“Ideally it’s best to flee, as these people can become violent,” said FDA Sweetener Chief Raymond Leonard. “If there is not an exit, throwing a packet of sugar can distract and create an opening to escape unharmed.”

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