NFL commissioner Roger Goodell announced that all teams are instructed to conduct their own “champion parade” to make sure “nobody’s feelings were hurt.”

“I know that everybody tried their best and played real hard,” Goodell announced, standing on a table, to the patrons of his local Denny’s. “Technically there is a winner but that does not mean we can’t celebrate the little victories we accomplish every day. In our own ways we are all champions!”

Goodall went on to announce the Panthers would receive participation Super Bowl rings.

The New York Jets and Giants were reported to have bickered about whose parade was more important while their parents reassured them that they both deserved to be considered winners.