UN sends Israel and Palestine to time out

U.N. logo pattern a press conference background at the United Nations headquarters, Tuesday, Sept. 3, 2013. (AP Photo/Bebeto Matthews)

JERUSALEM—On the 20th anniversary of the assassination of Israeli Prime Minister Yitzhak Rabin, a potential turning point in the Israeli-Palestinian conflict has been reached.

The progress comes in the form of an unprecedented UN declaration.

After ongoing conflict and name-calling from both sides, Secretary General, and somehow not a Jedi, Ban Ki-moon declared that he “had it up to here with all of this fighting.”

Ban then proceeded to stomp his right foot and pointed to the corner before putting Israel and Palestine in time out.

Both sides were immediately apologetic for their actions but exclaimed that they had no other choice in the matter, to which Ban exclaimed “I don’t care who started it! This ends now!”

This time out was especially severe as it happened during the United Nation’s snack time.

Netanyahu further protested the Declaration, commenting that it was “super unfair.”

“The UN has no authority to just come into my country and tell me what I can do,” exclaimed Netanyahu. “He’s not my real dad!”

Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas agreed that it was “super unfair,” but for different reasons.

“This is just because the UN doesn’t like my friends,” Abbas bemoaned. “They may not be nice to Israel but they are really nice to me. Why can’t I have friends?!?”

By the time recess came along, Netanyahu and Abbas made amends in a pickup game of wiffle ball.

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