FOX News announced several competitions that would take place tonight during the first Republican presidential “debate.”
According to the press release, the events were “carefully designed and selected to test the full range of the candidates’ abilities.”
The events measure classic “debate” metrics such as the “argument decibel measurement” portion which measures the peak loudness a candidate achieves when delivering a soundbite, as well as a similar event that measures how loud each candidate can shout “socialist!”
Other events are geared towards extracting information about the candidates deemed important by Republican voters, such as proving one’s scientific illiteracy and playing Six Degrees of Adolph Hitler.
Events like dodgeball and illegal immigrant wrangling, where the ten candidates will be thrown in a pit with wild illegal immigrants, will test the candidate’s physical endurance.
The press released promised that the new format will hold true to Republican “debate” tradition by ending with an apple pie eating contest followed by a the simultaneous Ronald Reagan impression in a swimsuit competition.
Full list of FOX News Republican “Debate” events in order of occurrence:
- Argument decibel measurement
- Fundamentalist word association
- Scientific illiteracy litmus test
- Illegal immigrant wrangling
- Six degrees of Adolph Hitler
- Tables, ladders and chairs match
- Rap battle
- Your mother jokes
- Apple pie eating contest
- Swimsuit/Reagan impersonation competition