Furious Rand Paul channels founding fathers

A furious Rand Paul responded to removal from the prime-time Republican debate by channeling America’s founding fathers and ripping the media a new one.

FOX announces competitive events for GOP debate

FOX News announced several competitions that would take place tonight during the first Republican presidential “debate.” According to the press release, the events were “carefully designed and selected to test the full range of the candidates’ abilities.” The events measure classic “debate” metrics such as the “argument decibel measurement” portion which measures the peak loudness…

Republican candidates defend young sex workers from regulation

At a conference held by American Americans for a More American America, Republican presidential hopefuls discussed many topics, and didn’t shy away from discussing former Subway spokesman Jared Fogle’s recent troubles with the law. “Do we really need Barack Obama, and his liberal bureaucrats deciding at what age our girls are selling their vaginas at?”…

Senator Rand Paul dead after accidental drone strike

Washington D.C.— Kentucky Senator of GOP presidential hopeful Rand Paul was found dead in his backyard this afternoon due to an apparent drone strike. The late senator and son of Texas congressman Ron Paul is perhaps best known as a child actor for his role as Ferguson in the Nickelodeon classic Clarissa Explains it All.…