California Governor Jerry Brown announced today that future death row inmates will be lethally injected using a blend of all-natural, GMO-free superfoods.
Clinching a lusciously-ripe, halved avocado in his left hand, Brown proclaimed “we in the great state of California are prepared to put the days of ending prisoner’s lives with toxic, unnatural chemicals behind us.”
Brown said the prisoners would first be induced into a natural state of unconsciousness using 20 mg of melatonin and repeated blows to the cranium before injection with an avocado and kale smoothie.
An environmentally-friendly composting plan was also announced for the remains of the executed prisoners.
The move comes in response to a recent federal district judge’s decision that California’s death penalty was in violation of the 8th amendment’s protection against cruel and unusual punishment.
Other states have also been moving to try different methods of execution.
Alabama recently announced a plan to have all of its death row inmates executed by its Chief Justice Roy Moore with stone replicas of the Ten Commandments
This article was originally posted July 26, 2014, but the site’s authors were lazy June 9, 2016.