• 

A heartbroken Attorney General William Pelham Barr announced that the Justice Department would be treating Oxycontin as the serious chemical that it is this Valentine’s Day.

“Oxytocin is a hormone secreted by the posterior lobe of the pituitary gland, a pea-sized structure at the base of the brain,” said a Stubhill journalist, explaining the joke in a nearly identical article two years ago. “It’s sometimes known as the ‘cuddle hormone’ or the ‘love hormone,’ because it is released when people snuggle up or bond socially.

Sources close to Barr report that the attorney general is going through a bit of a romantic rough patch with President Trump.

While choking back tears, Barr brought out charts and graphs linking Oxycontin to ruinous personal finance decisions as well as an overwhelming majority of unplanned pregnancies.

In an internal memo, Barr instructed Justice Department staff that work was mandatory all day on Valentine’s Day and to cancel any dinner reservations.

At press time, Barr could be seen thoughtfully plucking petals from a rose.

Follow Stubhill News on Twitter and Facebook for all the newest news.