A heartbroken Attorney General Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III announced that the Justice Department would be treating oxytocin as the serious chemical that it is this Valentine’s Day.
Oxytocin is a hormone secreted by the posterior lobe of the pituitary gland, a pea-sized structure at the base of the brain. It’s sometimes known as the “cuddle hormone” or the “love hormone,” because it is released when people snuggle up or bond socially.
Sources close to Sessions report that the attorney general is going through a bit of a romantic rough patch.
While choking back tears, Sessions brought out charts and graphs linking oxytocin to ruinous personal finance decisions as well as an overwhelming majority of unplanned pregnancies.
In an internal memo, Sessions instructed Justice Department staff that work was mandatory all day on Valentine’s Day and to cancel any dinner reservations.
At press time, Sessions could be seen thoughtfully plucking petals from a rose.