Navy scuttles USS John McCain per White House request


The USS John McCain has been sent to an early, watery grave due to an order tweeted directly from the White House, according to exclusive, fabricated sources.

The president made the determination after a particularly vivid nightmare where he was being chased down by the warship while riding the golden Ski-Doo One, said one of Trump’s daughters, who wished to remain anonymous.

“He was tossing and turning so badly during the nightmare that I had to roll over and shake him awake,” said the source.

Navy officials were split on the issue, though most agreed that at least Hillary isn’t president.

“Argh, matey, t’was a cryin’ shame,” proclaimed General Figment of the USS Imagination while balancing entirely on his peg leg. “She had many moons of seaworthiness ahead of her, but now she rests in the depths!”

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