Justice Department special counsel Robert Mueller made a rare press appearance today where he declared that his office has shifted its investigation away from potential Trump campaign collusion with the Russians.
The new focus of the investigation will be on the placement of cheese on Google’s cheeseburger emoji.
Google CEO Charles Hammond-Burglár III insists that the investigation is a “nothing burger.”
“This is nothing more than a witch hunt,” said Hammond-Burglár while twirling the ends of his handlebar mustache. “A sandwich hunt.”
At press time, Donald Trump said all burger emojis should be standardized to reflect a burnt, joyless patty. Sad!