Former FBI director and special investigator Robert Mueller has announced plans to lower acting President Donald Trump into the local river to see if he floats.

In his first public statements on his investigation, Mueller insisted that the float test process is necessary if he is to fulfill his duty to the president.

“Trump has publicly ordered that the sprawling investigation into the his campaign’s connections to Russian officials be reclassified as a ‘witch hunt,” said Mueller. “Therefore it is my duty to test the buoyancy of that booty.”

At press time, sources close to the White House claimed Kellyanne Conway was suddenly more nervous about the ever-widening scope of the Russia probe.

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