It is with a heavy heart that Stubhill News reports that reported GMO-related deaths are yet again at an all-time high.
According to Harvard’s prestigious Center for Fabricated Statistics’ lead statistical fabritician Barry Manilow, the rate of GMO-related deaths is the same as it has always been for as long as they’ve been keeping records.
“We didn’t even have to fabricate statistics for this one,” said Manilow. “There simply haven’t been any confirmed deaths proven caused by consumption of GMO products.”
The newly created U.S. Department of Homeland Paranoia stressed that the findings shouldn’t dissuade consumers from overpaying for produce.
“It’s your right as an American to fear things,” said DHP Secretary Adlai Spoopyson.
Fear of GMOs has been a strategic belief the CIA has promoted in order to prevent civil unrest by keeping soccer moms occupied, according to Stubhill New’s Daily Foil investigative unit.