Acting president Donald Trump has announced plans to launch a preemptive nuclear strike on Guam.
The move comes in response to threat from North Korea that they would bomb the U.S. territory.
“We will not be the last to nuke our own U.S. territory, not on my watch,” said Trump. “America first, cucks. The likes of which the world has never seen.”
Guam’s governor, Eddie Baza Calvo, said “whatever” in response to the president’s plans, and that his people were beyond ready for death’s sweet embrace.
At press time, the Dow was up 300 points on the news.