The nation’s top astrologist has advised against military strikes until Mercury is no longer in retrograde.

The warning came from General Dave A. Wolfe of the U.S. military’s elite astrology command.

“This is really just common sense,” said Wolfe. “As we all know, gravity is a potent toxin. There is just no way our sensitive missile guidance systems could possibly evade the impact of Mercury’s gravity. We don’t want to poison our missiles.”

According to Wolf, the best strategy for military personnel during this trying time is focusing on aligning their root chakra, juice cleansing at least twice daily, and avoiding walking under ladders at all costs.

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