Photo by Gage Skidmore

STANKONIA—A leaked memo from the Trump administration has revealed that Donald Trump has extended a settlement offer to the FBI in regards to their investigation into the Russian relationships of Trump and various others attached to him.

The draft settlement includes a lifetime supply of Trump steaks, a 2-year membership to Mar-a-Lago, as well as “so many rubels your head will spin, believe me.”

FBI director James Comey could neither confirm nor deny the authenticity of the unpresidented memo due to an inability to stop his head from spinning.

At press time, the cafeteria at FBI headquarters was serving Trump steaks for lunch.

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