In one of his final moves in his last week as president, Barack Obama has completely reduced the U.S. nuclear stockpile by launching it into the sun.
Obama said he made the unilateral move in an effort to reduce the risk of global nuclear catastrophe under incoming president Donald Trump.
Opponents of the unpresidented action condemned the move as irresponsible, while the nation’s teenage boys were more measured, betting that the explosion would at least be pretty badass.
According General Ian Joseph, were the need to arise, it would take the U.S. military significantly longer to destroy the globe several times over now that it is limited to traditional explosives.
Even then, humanity would probably survive without developing gnarly mutations.
“There’s no way we could render Earth uninhabitable to life as we know it without the aid of the Russians,” said General Joseph. “This really puts us at their mercy.”
At press time, Trump was tweeting “I got dis” to General Joseph.