President-elect Donald “Jingle Bells” Trump announced today that he had secured an exclusive agreement with Kris Kringle, more popularly known as “Santa Claus,” to bring hundreds of thousands of unpaid, manual jobs from Kringle’s North Pole factories.
The announcement comes as no surprise as Trump had made it one of his top priorities.
If Trump’s political signalling that his administration would take positions that would worsen global climate change and effectively destroy the North Pole were not enough to persuade Kringle, then his direct threat via the nation’s twitter really drove the message home.
Kringle was quick to comply and appeared at a joint press conference to announce the terms of the deal.
A key point of the deal was that the factories would only be filled with employees from the United States’ domestic elf population.
Elves were one of Trump’s key constituencies during the election, and have struggled to find steady work in an ever-shifting economy with less and less elven opportunity.
“The deal, which is a great deal, will give the best jobs to what I assume are some pretty good people that will be in my forced labor camps for all-american elves,” said Trump.
To sweeten the deal Trump promised he would shield Kringle from any legal challenges arising from copyright and trademark violation.
Three years ago Kringle was forced to drastically alter his business model after a class action lawsuit which stripped him of the ability to manufacture goods identical to those of other companies.
Military strategists say bringing Kringle into the fold could drastically improve U.S. nuclear performance in the upcoming arms race.
“The Kremlin has been trying for years to bring Santa’s magical manufacturing capacity to Russia,” said CIA intelligence expert Rudolph Rheindare. “There is no known limit to what Kringle is able to copy and create.”