The notorious Mexican drug lord Joaquín Guzmán, known as “El Chapo,” has publicly endorsed Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump.
“Mr. Trump’s immigration policies are significantly better for my business than that of Mrs. Clinton,” said Guzmán. “Trump’s wall will create even more demand for my exclusive system of secretive tunnels.”
Guzmán admitted he was initially worried that the wall would not be tall enough and that “people would just buy ladders.”
However, those fears were quickly dismissed after Trump revealed plans to build the wall higher, which meant that undocumented immigrants would need to purchase “really expensive ladders.”
The Trump campaign was quick to tout the endorsement as signs of growing success among Latinos.
“It’s strange, but I don’t know why I don’t usually get a lot of support from these people,” said Trump. “I love the Mexies, and I’m glad to have any and all of their endorsements.”
Chapo admits there is still one border-crossing strategy that might prove difficult to compete with.
“There is a group of pole vaulters that have been preparing simultaneously for the Olympics and smuggling narcotics over Trump’s Mexican boarder wall,” said Guzmán. “With the right training they could easily vaul with up to 30 kilos of immigrant children.”
When pressed about the efficiency of smugglers with boats and airplanes, or the most usual method of overstaying one’s legal visit, Guzmán replied, “nah, pole vaulting and tunnel digging are really the only options.”