FBI warns there is no way to fully vet newborns


A recent study conducted by the FBI concluded there is no way to fully vet newborn babies.

“It’s quite scary how many babies are being born into this world with little to no vetting,” said FBI Infant Crime Unit director Barry Manilow. “Most hospitals only determine if the baby is in physically healthy, evaluations to determine if a newborn has tendencies towards violence or terrorism are rare and are subject to no federal standards.”

Vetting methods vary wildly by state and region. In Alabama baby’s are vetted by their reaction to pictures of Ronald Reagan and Jesus, whereas in Massachusetts a baby can be blacklisted depending on its opinion of deflategate.

Republican presidential nominee and former comedian Donald Trump declared at his breakfast rally at Denny’s this morning that the lack of vetting standards was “disgusting.”

“These babies have no documents – we don’t know who they are at all! They could be radical Islamic terrorists! In order to keep America safe we need to fully interview and vet every baby and ask them if they approve of Sharia law. All babies that can’t pass the test will be deported.”

When confronted by GYN’s anchor, Don Lime, that newborns are naturalized citizens when born in US hospitals and prior to their birth have no record of existence Trump responded ferociously.

“What if they were bad guys in a past life,” demanded Trump while shaking a pancake. “What if they were jihadists that died in a suicide bomb and then reincarnated to be born to American parents? I’m not staying this but people are telling me this is what happened with Barrack Obama.”

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