‘Blue Lives Matter’ protests death of Skeeter Valentine

BLUFFINGTON—Blue Lives Matter protesters are growing in numbers after Skeeter Valentine was shot and killed by Bluffington Police Department earlier this week.

Witnesses to the incident claim Valentine was unarmed, but the BPD claim he threatened their lives.

Eyewitness Doug Funnie claims Valentine was just playing air guitar when police responding to a report arrived and shot Valentine.

The death of Valentine has prompted national debate and caught the attention of Blue Lives Matter National President Papa Smurf.

Papa Smurf, the outspoken activist responsible for the controversial rap anthem “smurf the police,” sat down with Stubhill News in an exclusive interview.

“This is a smurfing outrage!” bellowed Smurf. “I lost my smurf when I heard about Skeeter. Just an innocent blue boy causing no trouble before getting smurfed down by the police. I mean seriously – what the smurfing fuck!”

The Blue Lives Matter president of the Sesame Street chapter, Cookie Monster, recently held a press conference,

“The death of Skeeter Valentine saddens Cookie Monster. But we must be strong! We hold vigil here at Sesame Street, with performance by blue jazz musician Squidward Tentacles and Skeeter’s favorite band, The Beets. There will also be COOKIES!”

At their most recent concert, Eiffel 65 held a moment of silence for Skeeter before dedicating a performance of their seminal class “Blue” to him.

“Blue is a song that is close to my heart. I have a blue girlfriend and I know the struggles she goes through on a regular basis,” said Eiffel 65 frontman Jeffrey Jay. “The lyrics ‘And everything is blue for him and himself and everybody around ’cause he ain’t got nobody to listen’ are even more socially significant now than when I wrote them. I hope that one day Skeeter Valentine has someone to listen to his injustice.”

Stubhill News reached out to the Blue Man Group for comment, but have received no response.

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