UPDATE: Trump has banned Hawaiian pizza
CHICAGO—During a campaign rally at the world-famous Uno’s Pizzeria, Donald Trump promised to do everything within his power to undermine the “liberal pizza agenda” once he is president.
“You see,” Trump said as he wiped tomato sauce from his face, “pizza is the most American thing there is, and the liberals are ruining it! They try to make all these foods ‘healthy,’ what is this garbage? I want meat on my pizza, dammit!”
Trump specifically targeted Hawaiian pizza, describing it as “the reason the terrorists hate us.”
“I mean really? What kind of moron puts pineapples on a pizza!” bellowed Trump. “Stop trying to put fruit where it doesn’t belong.”
Nobel Prize winning pizza scientist Vito Corleone, although agreeing that Hawaiian pizza “deviates from the norm of a traditional Italian cuisine,” dismissed Trump’s claims, pointing out that “Hawaiian pizza seems a weird at first, but actually isn’t all that a bad.”
Corleone also noted that adding pineapples to your pizza can helps a prevent a the scurvy.