CAMBRIDGE, MA—Scientists at MIT have made a shocking announcement after restlessly poring over data from gravitational waves detected by LIGO.
According to the analysis, the source of the gravitational disruption is much closer than previously thought.
“We analyzed LIGO’s gravitational wave data nonstop,” said energetic researcher Jessica Pinkman. “We were getting tired but, our friend Dr. White brought us some supplements to keep us awake.”
Lead scientist Jean Valjean announced that the team had made a shocking discovery.
“Gravitational waves are typically so small that a massive cosmic event needs to take place, we previously thought this was caused by two black holes colliding,” said Valjean. “However, after thorough analysis of the data we have found something truly alarming.”
Valjean then paused before clearing his throat and taking a deep breath. “As previously stated, the gravitational waves were large enough to be measured, which indicates this event was massive. After carefully analyzing this research, we have concluded that the gravitational waves were caused by none other than your mother.”
Valjean paused once more to allow the gasps from the press to subside. “This of course has astounding implications, as the scientific community had no idea yo momma could be so fat.”