U.S. foils ISIS plan to spoil Star Wars



President Barack Obama announced during a press conference this afternoon that special forces have thwarted several attempts by ISIS to watch Star Wars.

ISIS reportedly intended to gather intel related to the plot of the eagerly anticipated seventh Star Wars film in order to spoil the film for American viewers by launching a sophisticated social media campaign.

According to Obama, countless ISIS fighters had been intercepted in theater lines across Europe.

“ISIS is a viscous death cult bent on making us fearful of living our very lives,” said Obama. “Which we must not allow to happen. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.”

Obama credited effective surveillance capabilities for thwarting the ISIS menace.

“If it weren’t for these techniques, then American viewers would have lost the joy of discovering 3-CPO is Kylo Ren,” said Obama without a spoiler alert.

The president said more but it was unintelligible under the sudden chorus of reporters hurriedly clamoring to exit the room while plugging their ears and repeatedly shouting “lalalalala.”

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