GOP nominates Ronald Reagan for House speaker

Ouija

House Republicans nominated a picture of Ronald Reagan and an Ouija board for House speaker Thursday.

GOP leadership said it was “time to stop beating around the bush and go with what we’ve all been thinking.”

The Republican party has been struggling to find a viable replacement for House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) after his planned resignation at the end of October.

Policy analysts from the Parker Brothers think tank said the timing would be perfect, as their official Ouija boards are spiritually tuned to be particularly effective around Halloween.

Not all Republicans are pleased with the nomination.

Some claim Reagan’s record isn’t conservative enough, citing the late president’s passage of a law providing amnesty to nearly 3 million undocumented immigrants, as well as restricting the production and sale of automatic weapons and supporting a ban on assault weapons after his presidency.

“The last thing this country needs is a gun-grabbing, zombie RINO trying to take our guns on All Hallow’s Eve,” said NRA CEO Wayne LaPierre. “Look at history, the first thing the Nazi zombies in Call of Duty did was disarm its citizens.”

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