Media struggles to name EPA spill with “Watergate” already taken.

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EPA agents preparing for a race in the Animas River.

COLORADO—The EPA water leak has lead to more problems than just contaminated water, as the media has yet to come up with a creative “gate” name to attach to the scandal.

“Usually we just add the ‘gate’ suffix and it really emphasizes how big this scandal is due to its reference to the infamous Watergate scandal, however this one is tricky,” said Stubhill’s very own scandal expert Stan Dole. “The logical name for this scandal is ‘Watergate’ but the name is already taken.”

According to Dole, some proposed names for the scandal have been “Watergate II: The Return, Watergate: The EPAmpire Strikes Back, and Watergate with a Vengeance,” but none have tracked well with focus groups.

“The struggle to name this debacle has become its own scandal,” said Dole. “A veritable ‘Gategate’ if you will.”

Dole said developing stories need buzzwords to retain attention as more and more people are getting their news from social media, and have thus become intellectually reduced to cogs in a “borg-like” collective of social media zombies which can only focus their diminutive concentration on the tiniest chunks of information.

“It’s more important than ever; it isn’t news until there is a hashtag to go with it,” Dole added.

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