New moves by the United States Justice Department signal that it is preparing to tackle the pumpkin spice epidemic that has been plaguing the nation.
Correspondents from Stubhill News’ Daily Foil unit have been deep under investigative cover infiltrating FEMA prison camps for the last two years.
According to one correspondent, FEMA camps are obviously designed to detain consumers of pumpkin spice.
When asked to walk us through the evidence that lead to this conclusion, the correspondents confidently told us to “wake up.”
Attorney General Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III declined to verify the reports, but did not hesitate to make his stance clear on the seasonal spice in an exclusive interview with Stubhill News.
“My professional record makes it clear that I am opposed to pleasure in all its forms,” said Sessions. “Too many young women have taken to the spice rather than child rearin’ and a home keepin,’ this much is clear to me, good sir. I’ve even heard tell of some young men imbibing the devil’s spice.”
At press time, Alex Jones was hoarding pumpkin spice.