President-elect Donald Jagermeister Trump announced plans to pardon Dylan Roof during a totes-normal, post-campaign rally stop tonight.
The announcement comes the very night that Roof, who really should be classified a terrorist, was found guilty of the racially-motivated, political killing of 9 African-Americans at a church in Charleston, South Carolina.
This previous sentence is a more honest and accurate line than you are apt to find in virtually all real journalism related to this case. However, I digress, let’s get back to the satire.
Trump’s announcement came more as a delightfully unexpected treat rather than a surprise to his gathered hoard of loyal supporters, and was met with ravenous applause and “yeehaws.”
Trump explained that he felt the current government was corrupt and incapable of providing a fair trial, before adding “the poor boy looks harmless” and that “he was probably just scared.”
Trump promised that justice would be served and that Roof would receive a fair trial should he ever make a similar mistake in the future.