BOSTON—A survey conducted by the Water Country Science Division has made an alarming announcement in relation to the Greater Boston area’s water supply.

According to a mineral analysis, trace amounts of unobtainium have been detected.

“This is wicked scary,” said Mayor Marty Walsh. “We’ll just advise everyone to boil theya watah or drink beeyah instead.”

A translator was not present and Stubhill cannot confirm what was actually said.

“You won’t see this on CNN,” said unobtainium expert Jiminy Cameron. “The mainstream media does not care for the people of Boston and their water supply. It’s tragic that only smaller independent media outlets such as Stubhill are the only ones reporting this.”

While the FDA has yet to determined if unobtainium is safe for consumption, Cameron stresses that there is reason to fear this new finding.

Cameron advises all indigenous Bostonians to begin preparation for a resource war, as the element is highly sought after.

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